Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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