Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
