Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
