my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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