Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
