dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
