she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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