Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Are we still banned from the library?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
