I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
There's always time for handjobs
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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