I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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