What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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