I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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