I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
