hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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