i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
