I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
