I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
