Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
