did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
