I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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