omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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