Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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