I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
