sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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