You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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