I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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