I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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