Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
