I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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