Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks