I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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