she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
should my penis look like a turkey
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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