my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
do herpes really smell.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So many bounce houses so little time
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
i need some magic done to my vagina
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
