Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
