a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I currently don't understand fingers.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
