i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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