i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
