My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
