do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
