I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
