My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
