oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
