Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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