whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
