I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
