Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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