bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
