I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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