Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
