Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
