her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
