You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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