Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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